Did you grow up as the one who tried never to make waves, took care of everyone, or was treated like an outsider?
Many of us unconsciously learned early on that we had to behave in limited or particular ways in our family, and that doing it well was how we stayed safe, connected, and loved. However, the beliefs we carry from those roles can follow us into adulthood in the form of chronic worry, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and burnout.
Types of Dysfunctional Childhood Roles
Adverse childhood experiences, including growing up in an environment where you took on a specific role in order to feel safe, are associated with higher levels of anxiety disorders in adulthood.
The roles below are some of the most common ones, but they aren't the only ones. Every family has its own circumstances and dynamics, and children adapt in all kinds of ways to the environment they're in. You may have taken on a role that isn't described here, or you may recognize yourself in more than one. It's common to shift between roles over time, or to have played different ones with different family members.
Whichever roles you took on, the pattern is the same: the things we had to do to feel safe as children can shape our anxiety and our relationships long into adulthood and family life. The impacts can ripple out everywhere,
1. The Parentified Child
Growing up as the parentified child means you stepped into an adult role too early. Maybe you were left alone to care for a younger sibling. Maybe dinner didn't happen unless you took charge of cooking. Maybe you were put in the middle of your parents' conflicts.
Parentification can happen when caretakers are too busy, emotionally absent, overly focused on work, or struggling with addiction or a mental health issue of their own. Whether or not anyone asked you directly to take on responsibilities that weren't yours, you learned that you could (sort of) keep things running smoothly if you took charge.
Impacts on adults:
Overfunctioning in romantic relationships and family life
Perfectionism at work and/or at home
Taking on all the household tasks and child care
Feeling like if you don't do it, whatever it is, it won't get done
Picking up the slack when your partner drops the ball
Building resentment that everyone takes you for granted
High levels of stress and anxiety
Burnout
2. The Black Sheep
The black sheep, or scapegoat, absorbs and distracts from the family's problems. They're usually the person who doesn't conform to the family's norms. Maybe you felt big emotions that everyone else seemed to stuff down, were scolded for being too sensitive or too angry, or were blamed for the dysfunction in the family. You might have acted out to get your needs met, but instead of responding with care, your caregivers responded with hostility or rejection.
Impacts on adults:
Worrying that you're too much or not enough
People-pleasing in order to avoid abandonment
Intense fear of criticism
Blaming yourself for every difficult relationship dynamic
Taking responsibility for other people's emotions
Anxiety about being misunderstood and rejected
Shutting down or feeling overwhelmed during conflict
3. The Golden Child
Being pedestalized or idolized is the other side of the same coin as being the black sheep. The label comes with a set of expectations, and it teaches a child that love is conditional on meeting them. If you were the golden child, you may have been highly praised for being "good," being mature, not expressing negative emotions, or achieving a lot in school or extracurriculars.
Impacts on adults:
Striving to appear perfectly presentable and flawless all the time
Constantly trying to please others
Anxiety that showing any weakness or imperfection will lead to rejection and abandonment
Loss of, or confusion about, your identity
Feeling out of alignment with your values
Burnout
4. The Peacekeeper
The peacekeeper is the one who always had to maintain harmony in the household, usually by taking care of everyone else's emotional needs at the expense of their own. You might have acted as a mediator for your parents or siblings, tried to lighten the mood with jokes or bubbliness when things got tense, or put on a happy face even when you didn't feel happy.
Impacts on adults:
Difficulty coping with or accepting your own difficult emotions
Hypervigilance and anxiety when you notice even slight mood shifts in someone else
Feeling responsible for other people's well-being
Getting swept up in doing things you don't want to be doing
Resentment
5. The Invisible One
Sometimes kids do everything they can to stay invisible and not rock the boat. This can happen if you were abused, or if you grew up in a household where caretakers used substances or had severe, untreated mood disorders. You might have tiptoed around, made yourself scarce, or stayed as quiet as possible in order to stay safe. Any type of dysfunctional childhood role can cause trauma and anxiety in adulthood, but enduring abuse or severe parental dysfunction can lead to lasting PTSD.
Impacts on adults:
Ignoring your own needs
Fear of conflict
PTSD
Alcohol or substance use
Risky or impulsive behavior
Anxiety or shutting down in relationships and family life
Therapy for Adults in Westchester
If you recognized yourself in one or more of these roles, know that it isn't a flaw in you. These were smart, adaptive ways of coping in a family environment that didn't leave room for you to just be a kid.
No matter what you dealt with, wounding patterns created in childhood can be healed. In therapy, you can begin to understand where your anxiety comes from, find compassion for the child who didn’t get their needs met, build a sense of self, and learn how to be in healthy relationships without having to sacrifice who you are.
If you're ready to explore this, we’d love to help. We offer therapy for adults in Westchester and New York who struggle with anxiety or overfunctioning in their relationships. You can reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consultation and talk with us about whether therapy would be a good fit.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Justine Carino
Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.
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