The Real Impact of Perfectionism on Mental Health
Takeaway: When perfectionism becomes your default mode, it slowly chips away at your peace, your joy, and your energy. High-functioning anxiety hides behind high standards and what you can do right now to stop it from running your life.
You keep your calendar full. You stay ahead of deadlines. You show up for everyone. But the laundry piles up, the dinner is takeout again and you’re silently berating yourself for not doing more. That’s not just stress. That’s perfectionism.
It’s not always the person with a color-coded calendar or picture-perfect Instagram who’s struggling. Sometimes, it’s the one who looks a little frazzled but is mentally running a checklist a mile long. Perfectionism isn’t about how things look. It’s about how much pressure you silently carry.
I see this every day in my therapy practice, especially among high-functioning women who appear to have it all together. The truth is, they’re often held together by anxiety, guilt, and the fear of letting someone down.
Understand What Perfectionism Really Is
Perfectionism isn’t just “having high standards.” It’s a pattern of unrealistic expectations, internal rules, and fear-based thinking. It’s a way of avoiding failure, shame, or rejection by trying to control every possible outcome.
Anne-Marie Conlan, LMHC, explained it perfectly:
“Perfectionism is much more than striving for high standards. It’s striving for unattainable goals. And when you inevitably fall short, it feels like failure, even when it isn’t.”
Most perfectionists are so used to operating this way, they don’t even notice it’s a problem until they burn out. You feel like something’s off, tired, irritable, joyless but you keep pushing through, thinking, maybe I just need to try harder.
Identify the Core Beliefs That Are Fueling It
At the heart of perfectionism are core beliefs — deep and often subconscious rules like:
If I say no, I’ll let people down.
If I don’t do it perfectly, I’ll fail.
If I don’t please everyone, I’m not lovable.
We see this show up in parenting, relationships, school, and careers. Whether it’s trying to be the “perfect mom,” the “perfect student,” or the “perfect partner,” perfectionism is often an attempt to avoid feeling inadequate or rejected.
Understanding where these beliefs came from, whether it was how love was given (or withheld) in childhood, academic pressure, or trauma is part of the healing work.
Spot the Thinking Traps That Keep You Stuck
Perfectionists often get caught in specific cognitive distortions or “thinking traps”:
All-or-nothing thinking: If I can’t do it perfectly, I’ve failed.
Catastrophizing: If I don’t do this right, everything will fall apart.
Discounting the positive: Sure, I did well but it doesn’t count because I messed up once.
Should statements: I should be able to handle everything. I shouldn’t need help.
These thought patterns feel rational in the moment, but they distort reality and drive anxiety.
Shift From Overachieving to Managing Expectations
The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to stop over-functioning to the point of emotional exhaustion. This starts with loosening your grip, not lowering your standards.
One powerful exercise I use with clients is redefining what 80% effort looks like. Can you allow yourself to do enough without pushing to burnout? One client tested this at work and found that her 80% was still viewed as excellence by her boss and she got her evenings and weekends back.
We also use exposure therapy to challenge perfectionist fears. Raise your hand and give the wrong answer. Send an email with a typo. Let your kid eat a Pop-Tart instead of making a themed breakfast. Watch how the world doesn’t fall apart. That’s where change begins.
Start With One Small Shift Today
If you see yourself in this, there’s work you can start now. Begin by tracking your self-talk. Notice how often you’re operating from “shoulds” or absolutes. Ask yourself: What am I trying to avoid? Shame? Rejection? Disappointment?
Then try loosening the rules. Give yourself permission to be late. To say no. To do B+ work and still be proud of it. You don’t need to earn peace by overextending yourself.
You’re allowed to live a good life without being perfect
The need to be perfect is loud but it’s not the truth. You don’t have to prove your worth every day. You don’t have to hustle for rest, joy, or love. You're already enough, even when you're messy, tired, behind, or imperfect.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means choosing to show up as you are and letting that be enough. And if you're in the season of needing small, quiet reminders of that, something to sit with when the pressure creeps back in, this might help.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Justine Carino
Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.
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